Search

THE BIG BABY

This year was a victory for Mayweather, but a very huge punch in the gut for me. I ended up meeting a man who is clearly a big man child!

So, let’s start from the beginning. I met Mr man child a while back.  when we first met, he was immaculately dressed, muscular, had a charming smile, and a chiselled face (he almost looked too immaculate), he was GQ good looking and I had butterflies everytime I looked at him.

On our first meet up, we met at a restaurant nearby (as it was around dinner time and it was the only decent place to go .. I wouldn’t usually do a restaurant date right away just Incase). Luckily, we had a lovely meal and talked all evening until it was closing time and we were literally thrown out. I’d say the evening went pretty well!

He was so easy to talk to. I almost felt like I was talking to a friend I’d known for years. At times during the conversation he came across a little needy and immature but for some reason I made excuses for him in my head (did I mention the chiselled face??) so I have him a chance and put it down to nerves.

When it was time to leave, he politely walked me to my car, I lent out to open my car door and suddenly out of nowhere he put his arms out and said (in a ridiculous baby voice), “No Cuddle wuddles”? (Which means “cuddles” in English). I looked directly at his face, studying it closely, as I thought he was joking, and I was expecting him to burst out laughing telling me he was joking but he didn’t .. he was serious, because he said it again... in the same baby voice this time with a serious face and tilting his head...“Come on… say goodbye and give me a cuddle wuddle,” ... “Are you going to leave me hanging here?” (I was half expecting him to start stamping his feet and throwing himself on the floor like a toddler having a terrible twos tantrum).

At this point, I didn’t know what the think .. how off putting !

I looked at him in utter confusion and gave him a quick hug which turned into one of those awkward ones where one person won’t let the other one go but not in a nice way. I peeled him off me and and began to slowly laugh it off while getting into my car planning my exit strategy. I quickly got into my car, locked the door, and drove off as fast as I could.

I soon got home and immediately received a text from him. He was asking if I got home okay, and when our next meet up would be? A bit keen I thought, but very sweet and considerate of him to see if I got home okay. I mean he seemed like a nice guy and maybe the cuddle waddle thing was him just trying to show me his soft side (again making excuses and did I mention.. chiselled face?).

So I gave him a chance and we continued talking on the phone were again he seemed pretty nice and normal. I did find him easy to talk to, and we hadn't had any more cuddle wuddle moments over the phone so not wanting to jump to any conclusions and wanting to give him another chance (as he was so persistent... and .. chiselled face).. we soon agreed to meet again, and this time we went for a coffee (as I wasn’t taking any chances). I even had a friend lined up to call me or “bump into me“ if I needed to leave.

Surprisingly, we were having a lovely time talking again and I’d even messaged my friend back when she checked in on me to say I’m ok. And just as it clicked send....his phone rang. “Sorry, do you mind if I take this? He said. “It’s my Mummy,”. ..”Who at his age says mummy” I thought... but ok?? He lifted the phone to his ear and began talking.. he first started off quite but then got louder.

“Hello Mummy ,” he said, and there it was again… the baby voice .. it was back... and it was loud. He was talking to his Mum on the phone like a little giggly child.

“Oh mummy Jeeee, I’m okay, don’t worry, I’m safe,” he said, randomly looking at me and giggling in between sentences. “And don’t wait for me. I won’t have my lunch today so don’t make me any. I’m out.” Safe from what, exactly? I thought. It’s like 11am and you’re in a public coffee shop.

He then continued to talk on the phone for a while in this very strange giggly baby voice. it was unnerving. By this point, people were beginning to stare at us, as he was talking and giggling louder by the second. Part of me felt like getting up and shouting out, “Don’t worry, he’s only talking to our 4-year-old little girl..hence the baby voice.. great dad.. nothing to see here...carry on as you were” but Instead, I just sank deeper into my chair hiding my embarrassment hoping the chair would swallow me up.

The phone conversation went on for what felt like forever, and the baby voice stayed consistent throughout. There were parts in the conversation about fish finger sandwiches and if she’s washed his clothes yet and how last time she shrunk his boxers. Poor mum but yuk I thought. He eventually got off the phone and turned to talk to me (back in his normal voice). I looked at him in confusion and asked, “So, does your mum still do your laundy?” To which he replied (moving his head from side-to-side like an Indian snake charmer) “Who? Mummy Jee? Yeah, she always makes my lunch for me, makes my bed, irons my clothes and does my laundry too. I love things like fish finger sandwiches.. I’ll even eat them cold so she usually packs me a lunchbox for work with some other bits I like, you know, that’s what I want my wife to be like.. exactly like my mum.. though she’ll never ever compete”



I looked at him and in my mind I thought, compete .. what ..what??? So, basically, you’re a primary school child stuck in a man’s body who likes little lunch box lunches packed for him (probably with a little raisin box) and wants a maid?. Instead of saying anything i chose to stay quier and plan my exit out for goid this time. I just nodded, as he went on and on. As he spoke he went in and out of the baby voice again it was making me very uncomfortable and feeling creepy. I was imagining him moving a shower curtain with a knife like in the Hitchcock movie Psycho. .. but in my version he was also doing the baby voice.

I made my excuses to leave and just as we walked out he offered to walk me to my car again, I said I was ok but he just carried on walking with me talking. “That coffwee was so yummy but not as good as mummy’s” he said in a baby voice again. I looked at him blank faced and sped my pace up. I thought maybe I could out-walk him and lose him somewhere in the crowd, but he just sped up too, catching up with me and continuing to talk in and out of the baby voice! It was all background noise to me by now and I had one goal in mind. To get the hell out of here.


I finally got to the car park in which felt like forever, quickly mumbled a goodbye then and followed it with a wave. Once again, he put on the baby voice, held his arms out wide and said, “No cwuddle wuddle for little me then... come on .. ?,” By now, he was bending his knees and stretching his arms out, bobbing up and down like a Teletubby on heat! So wrong!

I looked at him blank-faced and said sternly, “I’m good thanks - I need to go - Okay, goodbye,” and literally dove into my car. I drove off quickly, so that he couldn’t come to the window like in the horror movies with his “cuduwwle wuddle face”. As I drove off I looked into the rear view mirror and I could still see him in the distance staring at my car with his arms out, making a hugging actions in the air.

The worst part is that he didn't realise what he was doing, or that I wasn't impressed, and continued to text me. I immediately texted him once I got home and explained that I didn't think it was going to work between us. He then asked me for feedback (yes – he actually used the word feedback), and I told him “I don’t like cuddle wuddles!”

Subscribe

Search Site

Social Media

©2020 by cherry for your thoughts.