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THE ANNOYING AUNT

There is always that one annoying Auntie who just can't help herself. No matter what the situation is, whenever she sees you, she just has to make a comment. It's like every time she opens her mouth, something annoying comes flying out at you, slapping you in the face like a fat wet slap from the movie Sholay (complete with the Bollywood slap sound effect!)

The annoying Auntie starts off by checking you out from head to toe. She then starts off with something simple like, "How old is she?" while pointing at you like you are a zoo animal. Then she will ask, "What is she wearing?" (obviously commenting on the fact that you’re not constantly dressed up like a Bollywood extra or a wannabe bride). She then moves onto the obvious: "Isn't your daughter married?". At this point, you feel like saying, "Well, obviously I'm not! You knowI'm not! Unless I'm hiding my husband in the fridge, because he's so hot!"

The comments then turn to something a little more of what she thinks is creative. Something weight-related, perhaps? Something along the lines of, “Oh, poor girl has put weight on because of all the stress of not being married. She must eat herself to sleep every night!" or maybe, "Poor girl is so depressed she's not married that she is starving herself and has lost weight!"

She then turns to other attributes which you loved so dearly about yourself. Your lovely thick hair turns into, "Poor girl is losing her hair - she is balding because she has no husband!" and then onto, "Look how dark she has become, because she's not married and stays in the dark all day!" (That one doesn't even make sense!) Then maybe she will finish by saying, "Look how moody and rude she is now, because she isn't married!"

Other comments may include, "Look how short she is! I think she has stunted growth because she's not married. Must be hormonal or depression!" or the opposite: "Look how long and tall she is! Who will marry her? She is like a tree with glasses!" (Yes, I've actually heard this one before!)

Annoying Auntie also loves to make tea-related comments, like, "She can't make a good cup of tea because only married girls make good tea. It's a well-known fact. They learn it from their mother-in-law!" or, "Look how dark she made the tea because she has darkness in her life without a husband. Don't drink the tea, it's cursed!"

In fact, the annoying Auntie could blame pretty much everything on unmarried women. World poverty (all the unmarried girls are making us all poor because of their balding heads and food disorders), crime rates in your area (you probably need an ASBO because you’re unmarried), the rises in tax (unmarried girls should have to pay unmarried girl tax because they cost us more), car insurance (unmarried girls spend all day driving around looking for boys in their cars, so they should pay more because they use the road more), her husband’s long nose hair (because of the hair the unmarried girls shed, her husband sucks up their hair in his nose), or anything, really! You get the picture!

She will always ask you what you’re doing with your life, like she's actually interested, but really, it will be a set-up question. Even if you tell her that you just won an award for Entrepreneur of the Year, this will mean nothing to annoying Auntie. "What is the point of an award when you have no husband and no home to put it in?"

Annoying Auntie will not see any of your achievements in life as achievements. Why? Because you're unmarried, and in her eyes, you have no worth unless you’re married.

The annoying Auntie may even talk about how great her daughter is, because she is married! Despite the fact that her daughter looks like Quasimodo, and you’re not even sure she even is a daughter!

Annoying Auntie won't ever fail to put you down. Even if you have your own house, she will say, "What good is a house without a husband and children in it?" Even if you've just fed a starving village in Africa, she will say, "What good is feeding a village when a woman should be at home feeding her own children and husband?" Even if you've climbed Mount Everest, she will say, "What is the point of getting to the top when you are at the top alone, without a husband?"

She will find a way to rain on your parade every time. I once had an annoying Auntie ask me what I do. I told her what I do, as I am rather proud of my achievements, but she just looked at me with her dead eyes and said, “What's the point in all that when you have no husband and you are lonely?” Well, that depends on what lonely means to you.

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